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Eleven Annoying Facebook Buddies to Defriend

Eleven Annoying Facebook Buddies to Defriend

Allison Ford | Divine Caroline

September 27, 2010

6) The Depressed Downer

They walk around with a dark cloud over their heads, and every time they are wronged, disappointed, dumped, maligned, upset, or unhappy, you’ll hear about it. You’ll hear their tale of woe when they get pooped on by a pigeon, when their car won’t start, or whenever any tragedy befalls them, including injustices such as common colds, traffic jams, cold weather, and hangnails. These ill-advised posts are usually followed by supportive comments from other friends who are probably Downers themselves. Sometimes a Downer is also a Person Who Speaks in Song Lyrics, in which case the updates usually take the form of lyrics from Elliot Smith or Bright Eyes songs.

Typical status: “Whatever does not kill us makes us stronger … feeling like a needle in the hay …” Comment: “((((((HUGS!!!))))))”

7) The Train Wreck

Everyone has a wild night once in a while, but if a friend routinely brags about how many shots of whiskey she drank last night, or how drunk she was, or how she woke up in the neighbor’s yard with vomit in her purse, it’s okay to chalk her up to a case of arrested development and move on. Or at least start a new group called “I bet we can find 1,000 people who want Erin Farmer to go to rehab!”

Typical status: “ugh just now waking up at 4 p.m. I don’t remember much after we left the Pourhouse at 3…can whoever has my left shoe and my car keys please call me?”

8) The Beggar

This friend lives to do good. He constantly posts links for users to donate to various charities, to sign petitions, to write letters to congressmen, and to do all sorts of other low-commitment philanthropy. If there’s a hurt puppy down the street, he’s collecting donations for surgery. If there are starving children in Paraguay, he’s besieging you with requests to pledge. Don’t feel bad about blocking him—it’s a good bet that plenty of others have already.

Typical status: “As many of you may know, my mother’s coworker’s step-granddaughter was recently diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, and since the father recently lost his job, they have no health insurance. Could you all find it in your hearts to chip in $20 to help her get the surgery she so desperately needs?”

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